Q- Dear Ammar, I feel I am the target of jokes among my colleagues at my workplace.  It is not like I am  being harassed, but my colleagues are really giving me a hard time through jokes and teasing. I play along with them when they do it, but I really do not like it.  I feel embarrassed when they treat me like that as they do it in front of others and I am not getting much respect from other colleagues from other departments due to these jokes.  I have told them many times to stop and at least not to do it in front of others, but they do not listen. I am not a rigid person; I like a good joke and I am not too sensitive.  But I think my friends at work are going too far with their jokes that it is getting on my nerves.  How can I stop this?

Regards,

H. L.

A- Dear H. L., This is a common problem at the workplace and sometimes our own behavior encourages it without us knowing. There are many things that can be done to prevent it from happening, and it is important to clarify some of the misconceptions about this problem.

Some, like you do, think that since this is joking, it does not qualify as harassment.  They consider it plain old fun.  Maybe it is a rough type of fun, but still fun and play, similar to what happens while kids play in the playground at school or in the neighborhood.  Actually, all of that behaviour, even that endured in schools and playgrounds, is considered harassment.  When we try to hide it or call it anything else, we are actually making it worse for ourselves and even encouraging that kind of behaviour.  Such a behaviour is verbal abuse and can be as destructive as physical abuse.  So, let us not beat around the bush here, you are being abused by your co-workers.

The other point to consider here is that friends make friends feel good about themselves.  So, calling these people friends is a mistake.  If they were, they would not hurt you like that and if they do, they must stop once they find out that their behavior is hurting you.  Friends should make friends feel good about themselves, not the other way around.  Calling others names, hurting others, and putting them down is not “just fooling around.”

The root for this behavior can be one of two things. Either envy or having low self esteem on the part of the attackers.  When I was a target of bad jokes at school, and I had my share of that, my mother used to tell me that “these kids are just envious because you are such a great kid.”  Maybe this is the case for you at work.  Maybe they see something you have that they want and feel bad enough about it that they get back at you for it with verbal abuse.

People who put others down are suffering from low self esteem.  Some may get surprised by this fact, especially since such bullies usually look so confident and sure of themselves.  However, this apparent confidence is usually just a façade under which  a lot of insecurity and a poor self image can be found.  As a result, they try to make others feel bad because that is the only way they can feel good about themselves; “I might be in a bad shape, but not as bad as that poor slob,” is their train of thought and that makes them feel good that others are in as bad shape, if not worse, than themselves.

These are not excuses for this unacceptable behavior as there are no excuses for it, whatsoever.  Also, saying that it is just fun is not accurate as obviously you are not having much fun with this behaviour.  So, this abuse must be stopped and you are in the best position to stop it. 

Starting off, stop tolerating this behaviour from your “friends” at work.  When they target you with a harmful joke, do not laugh or give them any indication that you are enjoying it.  Actually, I want you to frown like you have never smiled before.  Give the person who did the joke a look that reflects how disappointed and disapproving you are of their behaviour. One word of caution here; do not look at them like a mother looks at her naughty children, where she is amazed at what they are doing, uncomfortable with it, but yet not enough to stop it.  Make it look like you want this behaviour to stop now.  Also, do not have that sad beaten look on your face like you are a victim who is hurt,  surrounded and begging for mercy. 

Another thing you need to do is to ask the aggressor to stop, not  as if you are begging him/ her to do so, but ordering him/her to.  Another word of caution; do not shout or look frazzled, and instead look calm, assertive and strong. You can say something along the lines of “I do not appreciate what you said and never say that to me again.” Usually the aggressor will continue to fool around and make you feel like you cannot take a joke and you are exaggerating your reaction. You should refuse to acknowledge that and insist on your line of action of being firm about this having to stop.  Do not explain why or argue, just keep repeating your stance of  demanding that this stops immediately.

Also, you should do not forgive easy.  Short of an apology and a promise that this will not happen again, I advise you not to treat someone who does this to you as a friend.  Who needs friends like that!  If they acknowledge the mistake and stop the behavior, then fine, but otherwise go find friends who respect you and build your self-esteem, not try to hurt you.  If you cannot find friends like that, then being alone is way better than abusive friends. 

Usually this works and over time the bad jokes will get less and less.  However, if it does not, do whatever it takes to protect yourself from verbal abuse, even if it meant asking to be transferred to another department or leaving the company if you have to.

Good luck,
Ammar W.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007